DisComBoBuLaTe - The StoRy sO FaR

MARCH 2008 @ CABBAGES & KINGS

Prestigious Lit Wit venue DiScoMbObUlaTe is reeling from the apparent theft of private correspondence ahead of its March 11th opening night in Glasgow's West End. To prevent the perpetrators benefiting from the fruits of their crime, spokesman Ian Macpherson has taken the unprecedented step of releasing said correspondence into the public domain.

My Dear Heaney,
Nobel Prize notwithstanding, we are unable to offer you a booking at the first ever DiScoMbObUlaTe. As I'm sure you must be aware, the Nobel Prize is awarded anually, regardless of the talent on offer, and many of the recipients are still, sadly, alive. So look at it this way. If word got out that you were doing it, why - they'd all be after a spot.

Dear Alasdair Gray,
Such is the prestige attached to the opening night of DiScoMbObUlaTe, we have decided to dispense with the vulgarity of payment. You have lived most of your inspirational life as a penurious artist. Perform at DiScoMbObUlaTe and we'll make sure you stay that way.

Dear Mr. Mandela,
Given the depressing statistics on reoffending, you are to be congratulated on staying out of trouble since leaving prison. Having said that, we are not looking for 'an inspirational 2-hour inaugural speech' for our very first DiScoMbObUlaTe. It's not that sort of night.

DisComBoBuLatE MOVES

Following a sensational opening night, legendary Lit Wit venue DiScoMbObUlaTe has relocated to bigger premises.
The Centre For Contemporary Arts finally won the franchise over Ibrox Park, which lost out, explained DiScoMboBuLaTe front man Ian Macpherson, on three counts.
'Bad acoustics. Too draughty. Wrong image.'

DiScOmBoBuLaTe July 8 at CCA

hosted by Ian Macpherson with Kevin Williamson, Helen Lamb, Iain Heggie, Ian Macpherson introducing himself with the use of mirrors, and more.

Amendment

I failed to mention the address. My job.

The Courtyard Cafe, CCA, 350 Sauchiehall Street. Glasgow.

I accept full responsibility for the omission and will fall on my sword as soon as Yukio Mishima returns the damn thing.

Further Amendment

I've done it again. The next DiScomBoBuLaTe is on Tuesday July 8th, not the 12th as circulated. The August date - with special guest Arnold Brown - is Tuesday the 12th.

In mitigation, I find the outside world confusing, and this seems to be reflected in my correspondence.

No excuses, though, so it's three days in barbed wire underpants for me.

THREE DAYS IN BARBED WIRE UNDERPANTS

A gentle reminder that DisCoMboBuLaTe is on Tuesday (8 for 8.30) at the CCA Courtyard Cafe.

My spell in corrective underwear, by the way - and many thanks for literally sacks of emails on the subject - passed without serious long-term consequence; no more kids for me, but I look on that as a bonus, frankly.

The underpants in question, in answer to a specific question, are available through the usual outlets. I bought mine on ebay, however, and don't recommend it. They were two sizes too small - a plus in the event - but the Made In Taiwan label gave the lie to John Knox forging them himself from his own eyebrows.

DisCoMboBuLAtEsT – AUGUST 2008

Tomorrow is DisComBoBuLatE Tuesday, so put the kids in care, drop the aged parents off at the nearest hospice and think of yourselves for once. Failing that, think of us.

A full roster of readers/performers, all of whom I've Googled, and I'll be sharing my findings with you tomorrow. Turns out poet Magi Gibson lives with me.

Other surprises to follow.

hosted by Ian Macpherson with Arnold Brown, Magi Gibson, Robert Wringham, Billy Letford, Leela Soma, Alan Bissett and more.

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide – SEPTEMBER 2008

September will feature new work from poet Magi Gibson, playwright Iain Heggie, monologuist Billy Letford, newcomers George Anderson, Conrad Watts and others.

Hosted by Ian Macpherson, fresh from his synchronized swimming triumph at the Beijing Olympics: his standupcomedic triumph at the Edinburgh Fringe: his ill-fated stint between the posts for Offaly Ladies Camogie All-Stars (Second Eleven).

Depending on which one turns up.

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide – OCTOBER 2008

Featured in October will be novelist and comedian AL Kennedy, novelist and biographer Rodge Glass on Alasdair Gray, playwright Iain Heggie, novelists Kirstin Innes and Alan Bissett, Anna Miles and others.

Hosted by Ian Macpherson, who will be foisting Ireland's Greatest Living Genius, Fiachra MacFiach, on a suspecting world.

Ian would also like to apologize to anyone discombobulated by last month's Special Surprise Guest, Gore Vidal, failing to turn up. Not wishing to spoil the surprise, we didn't tell him. This month's Equally Special Surprise Guest, Dorothy Parker, probably won't turn up either. Different reason.

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide – NOVEMBER 2008

Hosted by the ineffable Ian Macpherson, with poet and playwright Liz Lochhead, poet Graham Fulton, novelists Alan Bissett & Annaliese MacKintosh and others.

This month's special guest will be Roger McGough reading his bowdlerised classic 'Season of Mists and Mellow Waitrose". None of our other special guests has turned up, so don't expect Roger either.

Amendment

Roger McGough, by the way, will not be gracing our venue. I was merely being witty and amusing at his expense. Truncating the work of dead versifiers for commercial purposes? Disgraceful, I implied.

But some of you have pointed out a certain hypocrisy in my Holier-than-Roger stance. I have, after all, several ads of my own in the offing.

I will arise and go now, and go to M&S...

I wander'd lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er hills and vales
When all at once I saw a crowd
And followed them in to Bloomingdales.

I'll be performing these and others, live and ineffably, on Tuesday.

ineffable |inˈefəbəl|adjective: incapable of swearing; throwback to a kinder, gentler age.

DiScOmBoBuLaTe - DEC 2008 REMINDER PLUS ADDENDUM

Many of you have emailed about the court case outlined below. Hanging too good. Flogging not enough. That sort of thing. I trust the addendum addresses your concerns.

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide

Legendary author Alasdair Gray has sadly turned down the Father Christmas slot at December's DiscomBoBuLaTe. Perhaps he got a better offer from Debenhams.

Host Ian Macpherson has stepped valiantly into the breach.

'His emaciated, clean-shaven, plainclothes Santa Claus had the kiddies in stitches' - Irish Times

Also featuring will be Santa's performing elves Alan Bissett, Annaliese MacKintosh, Kirstin Innes, Elaine Malcolmson, Iain Heggie, Anna Miles & Julian Corrie, and others.

The full text of the Irish Times piece reads as follows: Judge Ferrister, presiding, enquired of Mother Superior, for the home, if they would ask the defendant back.'We didn't ask him in the first place,' she replied heatedly, 'so we can't very well ask him back.' Much laughter in court. Warming to her theme she remarked that it took three days on horse tranquilizers from a local stud farm to calm the children down. Judge Ferrister, summing up, suggested that whipping defenceless orphans into a state of hysteria was an abuse of said defendant's 'not inconsiderable gifts'. Defendant, a fine looking specimen in the full flowering of late boyhood, was bound over at Judge Ferrister's pleasure.

Addendum

HIGH COURT STIFFENS SENTENCE: In overruling Judge Ferrister's original ruling at the High Court, Chief Justice O'Huaidh said that justice must be seen to be done. Mother Superior was sentenced to six months for supplying horse tranquilizers to minors. Chief Justice O"Huaidh pointed out that this would test her Christian faith to the limit, especially if Big Mags was doing time. When it was suggested that Mother Superior was not in fact in the dock Chief Justice O'Huaidh remarked that, in the matter of Macpherson vs. The State, Judge Ferrister had been stiff enough in passing sentence. Much tittering from the bench.

CHRISTMAS 2008: BEST WISHES FROM DISCOMBOBULATE MARKETING TEAM

We at DiScOmBoBuLaTe are passionate - YES! PASSIONATE! - about brand loyalty! And what cheaper way to promote ourselves than the soulless mass-mail-out greeting to you (INSERT NAME) and you only!

So Happy Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving/Ramadan/Hanukkah/Pongal/Teng Chieh/Nanakshahi/Birthday/Diwali/Mothering Sunday.

(delete as appropriate)

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide

No DisCoMbObuLaTe in January. But wait!

Anneliese Mackintosh's story 'Pillars of the Community' will be broadcast on BBC Radio 4 on Thursday January 8th at 3.30 PM. Target audience? A clue, perhaps, in the title.

Ian Macpherson's story series 'Bottled Air' goes out at half-past-midnight on Saturdays from January 3rd for five weeks. Target audience? Drunks and early worshippers.

DiScoMboBuLaTe returns to the CCA on Tuesday, February 10th with a cast of several including Aidan Moffat of Arab Strap fame. Target audience? You.

DisCoMboBuLAtE FEBRUARY 2009 REMINDER PLUS

SPECIAL NEEDS ARRANGEMENTS: Taller seats available for professors of English.

Regular host Ian Macpherson is a confirmed egalitarian, which explains his seasonal letter to Her Majesty the Queen:

'Would turn down New Year's honour if offered. Please note, as a refusal often offends.'

This, he is delighted to report, has had the desired effect - no title.

His reputation as a man of all the people intact, he will introduce a thrillingly varied February 10th lineup at the Centre for Contemporary Arts. Performers include Sir Aidan Moffatt, Lady Annaliese MacKintosh, Kirstin Innes OBE, Iain Heggie (Order of the Knight's Garter), Lord Rodge Glass of Lanark, The Maple Leaves (By Royal Permission), Dame Alan Bissett and Magi Gibson (Title Supplied On Request).

On a less contentious note, Macpherson was recently named 'Falkirk's 432nd Sexiest Man' in a straw poll at the local Lidl. 'This was like totally unexpected,' gushed the thrilled if reluctant sexpot. 'I've never been to Falkirk in my life.'

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide – MARCH 2009

http://living.scotsman.com/14519/Comedy-Review-Discombobulate.4971497.jp

Your ineffable host Ian Macpherson hasn't read the above, having suffered the trauma of a negative review which caused him to abandon a thriving career in the rarefied world of standup comedy.

Following several years of unrelenting praise he was stunned by a twelve-star hatchet job which concluded with the following confidence-shattering line: 'Macpherson is so, so brilliant' - their italics - 'but far too sexy to be a truly great comedian.' His confidence shot to pieces, he left the profession shortly afterwards and now poses for a living. Underpants ads. That sort of thing.

Following a gruelling day's shoot for Jasper Conrad Double Gussets, Macpherson will introduce Christine Bovill, AL Kennedy, Annaliese MacKintosh, Kirstin Innes, Iain Heggie, Alan Bissett and, prior to declaring his candidacy for the recently vacated Oxford Professorship of Poetry, the legendary Fiachra MacFiach.

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide – APRIL 2009

Host Ian Macpherson is trying to send this message from the library. He doesn't have any information with him about lineups. AL Kennedy is definitely doing a radio piece - we'll put her behind a screen for authenticity. Artist of the Spoken Word Bruce Morton is also doing it. So is Alan Bissett. As, indeed, is Billy Letford. And Iain Heggie will be singing a couple of songs about life on Planet Heggie. With musical accompaniment from a tall Alaskan named Tyler. Surname supplied on the night. And if Kevin Williamson is reading this, fancy doing it, Kevin?

DiScoMbObUlaTe where literature and comedy collide – MAY 2009

DisComBoBuLaTe moves to the Arches on Tuesday May 5th, where louche host Ian Macpherson will introduce Jason Donald, Kirstin Innes, Iain Heggie, Alan Bissett, Anneliese Mackintosh, Magi Gibson and others.

The Arches is renowned for cutting edge, experimental theatre and a club scene involving young people staying out, in some cases, long after their bedtime. Even when they have school the following day. DisCoMboBuLatE looks forward to letting its hair down and has decided to go wild with a later finish.

The Arches, 253 Argyll Street, Glasgow

DiScoMboBuLaTe where literature and comedy collide – JUNE 2009

Regular DisCoMbObuLaTe performers famously don't get paid. We do, however, operate an expenses system which has come under close scrutiny in recent weeks.
Host Ian Macpherson is in bullish mood following revelations about his uniformed chauffeur for the half mile trip down Sauchiehall Street. As for Iain Heggie - a full-time gardener for his Maryhill council flat window box? Dubious to say the least.
Alan Bissett alone has emerged unscathed from this wreckage of reputations. His ego-masseuse, though costly, was seen as de rigueur for an artist of his stature.
Further revelations to follow.
In the meantime, your hubristic host will introduce Skye Lonergan, Ewan Morrison, the shamefully profligate Iain Heggie, Alan Bissett, a Kirstin Innes/Anneliese Mackintosh double act, and others too corrupt to mention.

DisCoMboBuLAtE – JULY 2009. NOT TO MENTION AUGUST.

'Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair... ''

Are these your thoughts as we approach the end of the month? Do you find yourself snapping at the potted plants for no apparent reason and watering your parents? Do you lie on your teenage son's sperm-encrusted bed for days on end wailing about the monstrous unfairness of being born? Are you, in a word, distraught?

Perhaps your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something: DisComBobuLatE is taking a break in July.

But cheer up. Fling the aged parents on the mercy of the state. Swap your son's collection of death trash metal for Mantovani - The Soporific Years and toss him out of the house.

Oh, and smoke those blessed plants. DisComBoBuLaTe returns in August.

So dry those tears of despair and weep, rather, tears of joy.

THE DISCOMBOBULATE INTERNATIONAL FESTIVAL OF LITERATURE OFFICIAL PROGRAMME

DiScoMboBuLaTe where literature and comedy collide
The DisCoMboBuLatE International Festival of Literature gets bigger every year!
Last year there wasn't one!!
This year there is!!!
ALASDAIR GRAY! SOPHIE COOKE! IAIN HEGGIE! ALAN BISSETT!
Curator Ian Macpherson introduces writers of international renown from as far flung as Scotland.
The DisComBoBuLatE InTerNaTioNaL FeStiVaL of LiTeRaTuRe runs 8.00 - 10.00 nightly, Tues. Aug 4 - Tues. Aug 4.
The Arches, 253 Argyll Street, Glasgow

DISCOMBOBULATE - IT'S SIMPLY NOT CRICKET

'Luke Wright (born March 7, 1985) is an English cricketer. He is a right-handed batsman and a right-arm medium-fast bowler. Born in Grantham, Wright joined Sussex in 2004, having spent all of the rest of his career thus far at Leicestershire. He was named in England's squad for the Under-19 World Cup in 2004, and joined the International Twenty20 squad for the 2007 Twenty20 World Championship in September 2007. He made his One Day International debut on September 5, 2007 against India.'
Above is the Wikipedia entry for Luke Wright. Luke Wright is actually a poet. He has no recollection of playing international cricket against India, or any other sub-continent for that matter. Nor was he born in Grantham. Inference? Wikipedia is not to be trusted for total factual accuracy.
Luke will make his DisComBoBulatE debut in September 2009. Fact. He will be joined by host Ian Macpherson, Iain Heggie, Alan Bissett, Ewan Morrison, Others, and, according to Wikipedia, Canadian curling journalist Douglas Maxwell.
If Wikipedia is to be believed, Douglas has been dead for two years. Should be an interesting night.
Tuesday, Sept. 1, 2009 - REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER

DisCoMboBuLAtE APOLOGY: CRAVEN

Your louche host Ian Macpherson, his ineffability in tatters, has received a plethora of correspondence about the following:
Ian, by the way, will be introducing an evening of Five Minute Wonders on November 3. If you'd like to be considered for a slot let him know on want2perform@gmail.com No jugglers. Fire eaters. Mind readers. Ranters. Trick cyclists. Escapologists. Limbo dancers. Slammers. Slam dunkers. Dung slampers. Holy rollers. High wire stripteasers. Chippendale spin-offs. Or any combination of the above. It's not that sort of night.
'Ye Gods! So what sort of night IS IT?' - CHRYS
This captures the spirit of most of the two emails in question, although the term 'clever-dick c***' featured in a rather sharp rebuke from Damian (aged 7 3/4).
Damian, who favoured unt over ***, went on to question my parentage - I'll look into that and get back to him - and suggest that I 'go and take a running ***k at myself'.
Job done, Damo. Difficult but pleasurable.
Which brings us to Five Minute Wonders. The Arches. November 3. We're interested in literary wit or, if you will, witerature. Also poems penetrable and impenetrable, tunes with a halfway decent lyric, lyrics with a halfway decent tune. And all weighing in at five minutes or under.
Effably Yours.

RELAX! DisCoMboBuLAtE host Ian Macpherson has NOT added you as a friend on FACEBOOK

He merely wishes to alert you to the latest DisComBoBuLatE on Tuesday Nov. 3

DisComBobuLatE has, of course, played host to a vast array of unforgettable talent over the years. Can't think of any names offhand, but you get the drift. On November 3, however, we branch out with a whole evening of new and exciting talent. In years to come this talent will also be unforgettable. At the time of writing, however, your louche host's mind is a name-free blank.

Too many drugs in the sixties? Nonsense. Apart from liberal ingestions of acid, dope, junk, speed, mushrooms - magic, and thanks to a bum deal from a shifty greengrocer, button - he never touched the stuff.

RELAX! DisCoMboBuLAtE host Ian Macpherson has STILL not added you as a friend on FACEBOOK

He merely wishes to alert you, for the second and last time, to the latest DisComBoBuLatE on Tuesday Nov. 3

DisComBobuLatE has, of course, played host to a vast array of unforgettable talent over the years.

Jesus, man. That sentence was in the last email.

Can't think of any names offhand, but you get the drift.

So was that. Is this some kind of wind up?

On November 3, however, we branch out with a whole evening of new and exciting talent. In years to come this talent will also be unforgettable. At the time of writing, however, your louche host's mind is a name-free blank.

Your louche host's mind is also a memory-free blank, pal. We've read all this before. Go on. Tell us about drugs in the sixties.

Too many drugs in the sixties? Nonsense. Apart from liberal ingestions of acid, dope, junk, speed, mushrooms - magic, and thanks to a bum deal from a shifty greengrocer, button -

Yeh Yeh Yeh. He never touched the stuff.

he never touched the stuff.

Ah. I get it. this is the email equivalent of a recorded announcement. Am I right?







I am. Amn't I?







I knew it. I bleedin' am!

DisCoMboBuLAtE TUESDAY DEC 1 + Host Nabs Prestigious Film Part

Sarah Hall's latest publication is 'How To Paint A Dead Man'. She'll be sharing her expertise with us on Tuesday, so oils and cadavers at the ready. Bernard MacLaverty's latest, 'Matters of Life and Death', gives us two big subjects for the price of one. Life. Death. What else is there? And speaking of death, Alan Bissett, with 'Death of a Ladies' Man', has created a whole new sub-genre of Posthumous Autobiography.

Quite a line-up so far. On a less morbid note - we hope - we have chanteuse Christine Bovill chanteusing and Scottish Poetry Library Reader In Residence Ryan Van Winkle reading. Hopefully out loud. Also appearing will be the ever-popular others.

Your louche host, Ian Macpherson, might be a bit emotional on the night. Hiring the world's tallest photographer for a publicity shot may have backfired in the short term - image attached - but ridicule turned to envy when Macpherson landed the plum role of Leprechaun Twelve in the forthcoming Darby O'Gill and the Little People 2.